


and so it goes (just the end of the beginning)

by SinkorSwim



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, I guess that's the only way i can write, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, Liam-centric, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Sexual Abuse, and why am i putting this stuff in the tags, but - Freeform, mild PTSD, mild self hatred, ok, poetic agian, so idk what this is, sorry - Freeform, trigger warning, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinkorSwim/pseuds/SinkorSwim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it’s the first time liam’s skin hasn’t crawled </p><p>or itched or screamed for someone to </p><p>get him off me! </p><p>(because liam knows zayn could never touch him)</p><p> </p><p>or the one where liam is actually more messed up then he'd like to admit and zayn walks with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and so it goes (just the end of the beginning)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queenmcgonagall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenmcgonagall/gifts).



> I know i cant stop writing these crappy poetic fics that don't make sense.
> 
> also im gifting this to queenmcgonagall because she majorly helped me write my other fic with me as a spazy anon on her tumblr and yeah (and my other fic is like 750 words)(thats not even a thing)(sorry if it's creepy gifting this to you)(you are really cool anyways)(idk man)( i'm going to stop using parentheses now)

  
when liam was little he learned how to make a birdhouse.  
  
he lived in this really nice neighborhood and his mum was at work so he stayed with the  
  
neighbor.  
  
but what liam didn’t realize was that this guy,  
  
his neighbor  
  
wasn’t supposed to be touching liam while he ate or watched tv  
  
or built a birdhouse.  
  
his hands weren’t supposed to crawl over liams skin or tug at his batman belt.  
  
liam never stopped blaming himself  
  
for not telling anyone  
  
before it became too much  
  
before he took it too far  
  
(he may never forgive himself)  
  
____  
  
and it’s not like liam’s messed up, all these years after sending his neighbor to jail.  
  
he doesn’t walk around his house  
  
crying or screaming or wondering why.  
  
because it’s not worth it and he knows that he could have just  
  
told someone  
  
but he hadn’t known it was wrong.  
  
he didn’t know  
  
(because no one ever told him)  
____  
  
when liam is 17 his mom sends him to visit his sister for the summer.  
  
she lives over in london and his mom figured he could use some time away.  
  
what she doesn’t tell him is that she’s worried about him.  
  
she doesn’t tell him that she notices how he jumps when she  
  
pats his shoulder or rubs his hair.  
  
she doesn’t tell him that she notices how he obsessively buys a new belt every week  
  
and cries when anyone even mentions a birdhouse.  
  
she doesn’t tell him that she’s scared for him.  
  
(she just wants him to be happy for once)  
____  
  
london is different than wolverhampton.  
  
liam’s used to sleepy streets and rustling winds.  
  
he’s used to his mothers roast and his fathers shower singing.  
  
he’s not used to loud cars and gruff strangers.  
  
he’s used to avoidance of topics and quiet meals.  
  
liams used to being alone.  
  
(and he doesn’t really mind it)  
  
____  
  
liam’s definitely not used to tall boys with black hair and constant cloud of smoke surrounding an  
  
angular face with dark brown eyes.  
  
(those eyes remind liam of mud)

____  
  
liam’s sisters flat is cramped and stuffy.  
  
it suffocates liam  
  
squeezes him while he sleeps.  
  
caresses and pinches and prods and scratches at liam.  
  
the air is constantly touching him and he can’t stand it.  
  
he can’t shake it off.  
  
so he walks.  
  
he doesn’t walk anywhere but he walks.  
  
(and he doesn’t look back until it’s dark)

____

  
sometimes liam walks with zayn  
  
(they don’t talk, they just walk)

____  
  
one day zayn takes liams hand and drags him into a small coffee shop.  
  
it’s the first time liam’s skins hasn’t crawled  
  
or itched or screamed for someone to  
  
 _get him off me!_  
  
(because liam knows zayn could never _touch_ him)

____  
  
as the summer progresses so do liam and zayn  
  
(they go from being liam and zayn to _liamandzayn_ )

____  
  
so ok yes, maybe liam is a little more messed up than he’d like to admit.  
  
he’s sitting in the middle of zayns living room struggling to breathe and zayn won’t stop  
  
asking him  
  
 _what’s wrong liam, tell me, I can fix it, please just breath_  
  
but liam can’t breath  
  
and he can’t talk  
  
and he can’t stand anyone touching him.  
  
and eventually zayn just goes and sits on the couch and waits,  
  
every now and then telling liam that he’s here  
  
and he always will be.  
  
(and all liam can think is _his lips touched mine_ )

____  
  
after, when liam can breathe and think and speak again, they sit on the couch together.  
  
the foot between them feels like miles and liam wants to cry.  
  
and then he explains, everything,  and he gets angry and sad and he blames himself  
  
and he blames everyone else  
  
and then he just cries and zayn holds him and apologizes over and over  
  
and liam just wishes that zayn hadn’t kissed him today.  
  
(because today liam was wearing a batman belt)

____  
  
and so it goes.  
  
liam and zayn drift.  
  
and it’s not so much that they drift apart.  
  
its more that they drift alongside each other  
  
never quite touching but never leaving each others sides.  
  
like two icebergs caught in the same current heading south.  
  
melting, slowly.  
  
(and maybe that’s ok with them)

_____  
  
and then suddenly, liam has only a week left.  
  
and zayn.  
  
well zayn doesn’t want to lose his boy.  
  
but zayn's afraid.  
  
he’s too afraid to touch liam.  
  
he’s too afraid that liam will never want to see him again  
  
and maybe zayn’s a bit in love  
  
(what he doesn’t know is liam is too)

____  
  
liam kisses zayn 3 days before he is set to leave.  
  
it’s short and chaste and comes out of nowhere.  
  
they were walking, like always, when zayns hand curled around liams  
  
and when liam hadn’t pulled away, zayn had smiled so big liam was sure the whole world  
  
could see it.  
  
and then.  
  
well.  
  
(and then liam grabbed zayn and smashed their lips together)

____  
  
liams last day in london dawns warm and breezy.  
  
he sits on the fire escape of his sister’s stuffy apartment with zayn.  
  
watching him breathe in smoke and blow it out like fire from a dragon’s mouth.  
  
and zayn tells him stories and writes poetry out of skins he was going to roll cigarettes in.  
  
and liam understands what love is then, because how could he ever stop looking at zayn?  
  
he couldn’t picture himself ever not wanting to see that face or those muddy brown eyes or hear  
  
all those crappy 4 line poems. and  
  
well, how could he live without zayns touch?  
  
he wouldn’t make it.  
  
(it’s not like he could even if he tried)

____  
  
that night he and zayn eat take out and watch toy story.  
  
there isn’t an inch of space between them on the couch.  
  
they are molded together, fused.  
  
and liam is curled up against zayn and their iceberg hearts have melted and the  
  
current has dissipated.  
  
and they just float happy and together for one last night  
  
(they both know this isn’t the end really, just the end of the beginning)  
____  
  
  
Fin

**Author's Note:**

> idek even know don't ask me where this came from because I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA. STOP LOOKING AT ME.
> 
> iwishiwashiscompanion.tumblr.com


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